Crime and Punishment: Impatience-Caitlin Johnson
1.
I was getting lunch with my best friend, Sophie. We placed our heavy winter coats on the
backs of our wooden chairs and sat opposite one another at a small light colored wood table.
The restaurant was casual and simple. The room had high-ceilings and lots of light. The paper
menu neatly noted the calorie count beneath each option. Sophie ordered the carrot-coriander
soup and I ordered the black bean chili. Each bowl came with two slices of bread, one slice white
and one wheat. Sophie put her two slices on the side of my plate, reflexively.
My ex-boyfriend, Will, came up in conversation. And Sophie looked at me carefully and
put down her spoon.
"Have you heard from Will lately?"
The last time I saw Will, he slept over at my apartment. It was a oppressively hot night.
The white box fan propped on a wooden chair by the bed only blew warm air over us. I was lying
on my side facing away from him and I moved one of my legs forward, so it was no longer
touching his. Will pulled both of my knees toward him. He held me that way all night. The next
morning, Will drove me to my first day of graduate school and then drove back to Santa Fe.
"No, I haven't heard from Will, lately. We text a little now and then. Have you heard
anything?"
"I think maybe we should wait until after lunch to talk about it."
I put down the piece of bread I'd dipped into the chili. It was half black and half white,
soft and firm. It slid farther into the bowl.
"Why? What did you hear?"
"I really think we should wait until after lunch."
She took a sip of water from her clear glass and picked up her spoon.
"Is he dead?"
"No!"
"Okay, good. Is he engaged?...Is he married?"
She looked at me for a long moment.
"I think we should wait until after lunch."
"Sophie, I can't. Is he engaged?"
"No, Cait. Mia is pregnant. They are getting married in the summer."
Will started dating Mia a few months after I saw him in New York. They'd only dated for
a few months. I was waiting for them to break up, so we could go to Maine this summer, like we'd
talked about in September. I looked at the white plate underneath my bowl of chili and pushed
the plate to the middle of the table. I wasn't hungry anymore. I felt full of cold, pulsing
nervousness.
"I need to go to the bathroom."
"Oh, Cait, I'm sorry for telling you!"
"No, I just need a minute."
Five minutes later, there was a soft knock on the bathroom door. Sophie had asked the
waitress for our bill. She had paid for both our lunches and had the soups boxed up in plastic
cups and bags on the table. When Sophie came into the bathroom, she immediately held out her
arms. There was no question.
"Honey, let's go to my house. We can talk about it for as long as you want."
I nodded and wiped my face off with a wet paper towel. I tried to smile.
"I'm gonna need to stop and get a cookie."
But at the end of the word, I lost my smile. My lips wavered as I locked my jaw and tried
to breathe.
"Whatever you want."
2.
Will and I broke up our sophomore year of college because I told him I loved him, and he
responded, "Why are you telling me this now?"
The periods of silence between sentences got achingly long. It was increasingly difficult
to draw out an answer from him.
"How was your day?"
"Good."
"It was really pretty out today."
"It was."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm just really tired."
The muscles in his shoulders contracted and hardened, until the smooth, soft pale skin of
his neck was no longer a place I could rest my face, kissing his neck while he said sweet, eager
things.
We often met before and between classes on the campus of our small college in Santa Fe.
One evening, I was sitting on a wooden bench in the red brick outdoor quad. When I saw Will, I
got up. I left my canvas tote bag full of books and my wallet sitting on the bench and walked
toward him. Will smiled and looked down, his soft downy blond hair falling into his eyes.
"I have something for you, Caitlin."
"What?"
Will reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a small tan paper bag rolled over
at the top. He handed it to me, the pads of his fingers brushing against my wrist. Inside the bag
were five madeline cookies from my favorite french bakery, Clafoutis. They are spongy cookies,
baked in the form of shells.
"You said you get hungry during class, so I thought I'd pick these up."
After Will and I broke up, I started going on night walks with someone else from our
college. I told Will about it. I also told him that nothing had happened yet. He just looked out
the floor to ceiling windows in our college coffee shop.
"But won't you be cold?"
I looked at the cuffs of Will's kaki pants rolled up past his ankles. Will's ankles looked
delicate and breakable without fabric to cover them. Then, I looked up into Will's pale blue eyes
as they rested gently on my own.
"No."
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